


i'm too numb (to feel the pain)

by notsosweetsugar



Series: like a ghost with no soul, like a heart with no beat [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Gen, andrew is more like mentioned in this one, bahrain is the key, canon divergence - season 2, grant ward is not hydra, may is, the team is mentioned as well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2015-05-29
Packaged: 2018-04-01 21:19:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4034950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsosweetsugar/pseuds/notsosweetsugar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's not a legend. She's a monster.</p><p><b>or</b> melinda's history set in "too broken (to be fixed)" universe (which is a 100% skyeward story).</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm too numb (to feel the pain)

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so i was just trying to show that's she's like... empty inside. it's not like, great, but i personally think it's not that bad. of course, mistakes are all mine (since i don't have a beta here) and i own nothing but my laptop (and idea, sort of).

 

**I**

It's right after Bahrain, when she changes. Andrew can see it, and Phil can see it, and everybody else can see it. When she's in field, she's tactical, she barely speaks, and when she does, it's usually just repeating orders. If anyone wants to know what she thinks, she just shrugs her shoulders.

Two weeks after Bahrain, she disappears. She doesn't say goodbye, not to Phil, not to the other agents. She tells Andrew that she needs some time. She sends divorce papers five days after leaving. It's the same day Andrew finds a letter in the drawer. It's from the office of Maria Hill. It says about transfer.

Andrew signs the divorce papers. He hopes it will help her.

What he doesn't know, is that nothing will help her at this point. She's broken. There's no coming back from this dark place she's in. It's not like everybody thinks she's a bad person, no – in fact all of the agents believes she's the living legend. But she thinks, she _knows_ it's not true.

She's not a legend. She's a _monster._

 

( "They think I'm a monster.”

" _Are you?_ ” )

 

**II**

John Garett shows up two years later, when she's doing her paper work. He asks her for help. They know each other for a long time. She agrees.

That's when she meets agent Ward. He's a rookie back then, right after the academy. She can see the anger in this young man. She realises that one day that anger will consume him, if he won't find someone who'll help him.

She says nothing.

After all, it's none of her business.

They have a drink that night, after Ward leaves, just she and Garett. It's almost like old times – he has whiskey, she has gin. They're silent for a couple of minutes.

"I heard what happened,” he says. It's the first time in a while they actually have an honest conversation. "I mean Bahrain,” like she doesn't know what he means.

"Yeah,” her voice is bitter and she can't really help it. After all, she's bitter all the time now. She doesn't have fun at her desk these days.

"I heard you were a hero. But you don't feel like one,” he smirks, and then takes a sip of his drink before continuing. "I'm dying.”

It's a simple statement, yet it makes May shiver.

"And nobody knows how to help me,” he adds. Somehow his smile is not sad, it's almost ironic. "Have you ever heard of Hydra?”

Melinda doesn't even wonder what kind of question is that. "Yeah.”

"Would you like to join me?” she knows, what will come next. She knows.

She also knows, that there's no coming back from where she is. She knows, she can't stand people telling her she's a hero. She thinks she needs to prove them wrong. Maybe they don't know she killed that little girl, but they will soon enough know, that she's not who they think she is.

She already lost everything, and SHIELD is not a home anymore. So the answer is simple, really.

She has nothing left to live for.

"Yeah.”

 

**III**

They're in the shadows, waiting. Melinda sits at her desk, does all the paper work and ignores people around her. She pretends there's not a gun in the middle drawer. She pretends she's okay.

(Let me tell you a secret – _she's not._ )

Everything is fine, until one day Phil shows up. She wasn't even realising he's back on active duty after his resurrection (which she knows nothing about; she just does the paper work) when he asks her to join his team. He says she will be just a driver, but she knows it's not true. She knows, that when she'll be in the field, there will be no coming back.

She calls Garett that night. She suggests she will do this and he says, he doesn't want to push her. They both know he wants it bad. So she agrees.

Fitz and Simmons won't be a difficult target – she decides. They will sick to their lab and she will be able to ignore them, especially since they both seems to be optimistic and excited. Coulson can be easily fooled. It's Ward she sees as a threat – she knows Garett had high hopes regarding him, but it all ended when young man decided he wantsed to work solo. And by solo, he meant – without his SO.

But May finds a way to take care of him.

She thinks she's so great at fooling everybody when she realises, she's starting to like them. That thought terrifies her. She plays cold when Skye asks her for help, she pretends she doesn't care about her when it's completely the oppsite. She helps searching for her parents. She sleeps with Ward, she spares with him and smiles at his jokes.

She's back in the field, although she doesn't want to.

And when she's alone in the cockpit, she sometimes thinks about Garett, about where her loyalities are. She reminds herself, that this is just an undercover op. That it's nothing.

When Hydra comes out of the shadows, she finds herself relieved.

And then she gets a message from John.

_Not yet._

 

**IV**

Melinda is there when he gets arrested. She's there, when they're delivering him to the Fridge. She's the one who shots Victoria Hand and three other agents.

Garett just smiles at her. „Welcome on board,” is all he says.

She pretends everything is fine when she arrives to Providence. Phil believes in every single lie she tells and even leaves her in the base with Ward and Skye. Melinda knows he doesn't trust Ward after he found out he was contacting with Fury behind their backs and that's the reason she stays – to be „in charge”.

Poor, silly Phil.

When she kills Eric, he doesn't even see her coming. It's because she's smart. And fast. She leaves the body in the closet, hoping nobody would find it until it's too late.

Unfortunately, she's not that lucky – Ward nails her when she closes the door. She catches him off guard and knocks him down before he has a chance to do something. She drags him to the Bus and tells Skye the story about a call from Coulson. She believes her. Obviously.

May figured Skye thinks of her as some kind of surrogate mother. It hurts her more than she would want it to. But the shuts it down, pretends Ward is doing something in the Bus and takes Skye's gun from her.

She knows hacker is suspicious the seconds she sees her with the drive. Skye pretends to be doing something important, but May can see dirty looks younger woman sends her from time to time.

Her cover is blown in the little cafeteria. Fortunately, Garett sends back up.

It doesn't go as it was planned, because Coulson saves his beloved protegee and her SO. But May has the drive. And that's what matters.

 

 

**V**

Melinda doesn't like Raina, but she doesn't have anything to say, because Garett just loves her. He believes she's capable of everything and calls her „Flowers” with such joy it makes May sick. It's not like she's jealous – she's, after all, his right hand (although she prefers being called _partner_ ). It's just something in this woman she doesn't like. Maybe it's just this weird, gut feeling. She ignores it.

She's a specialist. She deals with things.

She, however, can't deal with Garett going nuts. It catches her completely off guard. Raina just mutters something about side effects and disappears, leaving Melinda with all this mess.

Because of that, she remembers. She remembers Bahrain, this pain and the fact that no one was able to help her. Fake smiles, reassurance that everything will be fine.

It's not.

SHIELD makes its moves, but they're always smarter. Fitz and Simmons end up at the bottom of the ocean and Melinda feels sorry, but, after all, she's glad she didn't shot them.

They're winning.

Until everything goes to hell – Garett dies, Melinda gets captured.

The only thing she says when Ward handcuffs her? It's _Hail Hydra._

 

**VI**

In her cell, she thinks about Andrew. She starts regretting her acctions. She suddenly wants to tell her ex-husband everything – what happened in Bahrain, why she felt him, why she joined Hydra. Sometimes she catches herself thinking about how it would be, if she stayed loyal to SHIELD.

Almost every member of the team comes visit – Coulson is first. He asks a lot of questions and doesn't take no for an answer.

Then, there's Ward. He doesn't say a thing. He just sits on the chair, his body tensed. He looks like he has regrets, a lot of them. May imagines that he and Coulson are friends now and she finds it weird – she knows her former partner never liked Garett's protegee.

Trip stops by next. He doesn't have much to say, he just asks a few simple questions, and when he doesn't get any answers, he leaves.

Melinda hates to look at Skye when she finally enters her Vault. She can see the change in young woman, yet she doesn't answer any of her questions.

"I will only speak to Andrew,” she says.

The other guy who stops by is new – May doesn't know him. He introduces himself as Hunter. He tells a few jokes, and then leaves, disappointed.

And then there's Phil again...

 

( " _A man can accomplish anything when he realizes he's a part of something bigger. A team of people who share that conviction can change the world._ ” )

 

**Author's Note:**

> \+ [tumblr](http://sassymaximoff.tumblr.com)  
> \+ title of both fic and series is from koven's _final call_


End file.
